Parenting 101: I Never Got My Copy

My first post gave you a little insight into the incredible roller coaster four months I've experienced as a newbie mum. The elation, the depression and all the soiled nappies and milk burps in between. But I barely touched on the level of crazy I actually reached during those introductory months of Motherhood. 

All new mums are nervous, that's a given. It's all totally alien. Buying the 'how to' books, whiling hours away on Baby Centre forums and googling every move and sound your baby makes. But I took this to a whole new level. I'm talking 'coo-coo', someone give the girl a Valium type levels of cray cray.

As I mentioned in my first post, my 42 week long pregnancy revolved around studying and practicing hypnobirthing and preparing myself for labour. I was an expert in the art of taking my mind to my 'happy place'; I could breath away pain [in through my nose to the count of 4, out through my nose to the count of 8] and feel absolute calm through the practice of rainbow relaxation [breath in the colour of blue, glide through fields of purple, breathe love down to your baby.] I was able to completely zone out and enter a beautiful state of meditation and despite the horror story labour that was to unfold, I still absolutely believe that these hypnobirthing techniques allowed me to remain totally calm and silent during labour and manage the pain of contractions. But amongst that stack of well-thumbed pregnancy and birth books on the coffee table, sat not one single book entitled: "What The Bloody Hell You Do Once The Baby Is Here: 1st Ed"

But I was told I'd 'J Breathe' my baby out on a chuffing rainbow! A baby that didn't shit or cry or need feeding every 2.5 minutes... Why did nobody tell me I had forgot the bit when she actually arrived?

Now I'd like to specify at this point that I'd managed to get to thirty without ever having held a newborn baby. Never changed a nappy, never seen a baby be breast or bottle fed, never thought about what they do in a day and certainly never considered what night time with a baby might look like. This was absolutely foreign territory and almost as soon as I arrived home, I had to radio in the troops for back up and supplies (meaning my Mum, chocolate and a shed load of it.) Mum was here pretty much constantly. She would stay over and sleep in my bed with me when Kris was on nights because I didn't want to be alone. She likes to laugh now at one phone call she received from me when we first arrived home from hospital: "Yeah Hi, Mum. Oh yeah we're fine thanks. Uh- Mum... what do I actually do with her when she's awake?" This was a real thing. I had no idea.

Part of what makes Kris and I a perfect match is that we have the same interests, the same outlook on life, the same naughty sense of humour and the same life values. We are a total cliché in that he genuinely is my best friend.  But we are polar opposites when it comes to how we handle certain situations- I over think everything where he is super laid back, almost blasé. But more often than not we find a perfect balance by coming to a middle ground in our decision making (or this is what I lead him to believe- we still do it my way, obviously.) However in the context of handling a new baby, this same formula didn't apply. Kris did you hear the way she just cried, is she struggling to breathe of maybe she is choking? NAH doubt it, go to sleep [snores like a pig.] I was on the verge of calling 999 at every wet fart; Kris would sleep through the night and was phased by nothing.

Now this laid back approach should have been a good influence on me; he had been-there-and-done-that eleven years ago with his gorgeous son, Eli. But it didn't. It made me panic even more, spend my life consulting Dr. Google and turned me into your archetypal bunny boiler. I googled everything:

"Baby just burped whilst simultaneously looking left, is it terminal?"

"Baby cries even though I'm giving her everything she needs. Does she hate me?"

"Baby tries to suck nose when hungry. Visually impaired? Clearly looks nothing like a nipple."

"Baby three weeks old healthy poo pictures."

OK so some of those are made up, but if anyone saw my Google search history I'd have been sectioned (including utterly hilarious questions about the recovery of my 'lady bits', which I'm happy to report after 18 weeks are fully back to normal, answering my "will it forever look like a windsock?" google search.)

Now we've departed the so-called fourth trimester where babies just sleep-crap-eat-repeat, the real hard work has begun. Having regained relative sanity, I'm slowly realising that there are absolutely no definitive answers. There is no text book in the world that will detail the perfect way to raise a baby. In fact, every single text book will tell you a totally different 'perfect' way to do it which- if you're anything like me- will make your head slowly implode.

Sleep is the massive one for us at the moment. Freya absolutely refuses to sleep- she lulled us into a false sense of security during the first four months by sleeping anywhere and everywhere. Now, she will fight and fight it -there's far more interesting things to do when she is awake apparently- and so I have to catch her in that tiny window  of 'tired but not too tired' in order to put her down to nap. At bed time, for some reason, she seems to channel Michael Flatley and flails her legs around as if she is Lord of the flipping Dance. This is followed by about ten attempts to keep her sleeping before I dash out of the room like Ninja Mum, desperately trying to avoid every creaky floor board in our Victorian semi. So if one more person asks me: "is she sleeping through the night yet?", I'm liable to whack out some of my Jiu Jitsu moves circa 1996. No. She does not sleep through the night. In fact, having reached the well known 'four month sleep regression", she actually wakes up nearly once hourly some nights. Oh and she doesn't self-settle either. Cue smug face as 'little Harry slept through from night one!'

I bet Harry shits solid gold bars and farts glitter too.

The suggested methods are endless: 'cry-it-out' vs 'no-cry techniques' and everything in between. Just as you think you've decided on a route to go down, some research pops up that suggests "letting a baby cry itself to sleep is psychologically harmful.  The child will grow up thinking they cannot trust their parents and will exhibit trust issues in adult life." Brilliant. So we will go the 'no-cry' gentle parenting route then: 'Not if you want to sleep ever again in your whole life EVER.'

The truth is, there is no one size fits all. Just as every adult has a different personality and temperament, as do our babies. When I get frustrated that Freya won't go to sleep on demand, I remember that I sometimes struggle to sleep. Sometimes it's too bright, my head is too busy, I'm stressed or I've had a really exciting day. Now that Freya is at the age where babies have sleeping patterns more like an adult (this happens around the four month mark), she too may find it hard to sleep sometimes. However, there are folks (like Kris) who are lucky enough that they can fall asleep anywhere and everywhere and again, some babies are lucky enough to be the same. This helps me manage the utter frustration that bedtime sometimes brings.

It turns out my baby would rather stay awake all day and night partying just like her Mumma: she has to nurse to sleep otherwise we have a mini meltdown; she can't seem to nap anywhere but our dimly lit and quiet bedroom so we have a two hour window to go out of the house before the next nap (unless we go for a drive where she will sleep almost instantly); sometimes taking her out in public is hard work if she is having a bad day; she can't self settle because for four months I didn't know whether she was crying from agonising pain and needed me (which turned out to be the case) or if I should just leave her to cry so that she learned how to get back to sleep herself. It is hard. But I'm not jealous or bitter: she is mine and I love her so much it hurts. Utterly beautiful, a kindness in her smile that warms my heart and a wisdom in her eyes that makes me feel she has been here before. Despite all the hard times with colic, dairy allergies, chronic reflux, teething and her own frustration at not being able to do the things she wants to yet (little Miss Independent), she is our perfect princess.

As far as I'm concerned, if your baby will only go to sleep while you stand on one leg, patting your head with one hand, rocking him in the other whilst singing Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' backwards in Finnish,  then you do that.

I wish I had spent less time reading the 'how to' books and just did it. You will find a way that suits you and your family-whatever your hurdle or challenge- and you might have to change the way you do things every week to suit the ever changing needs of your baby. But never forget that you are doing amazingly, despite how tired or frustrated you may be some days. You created that tiny little energy-draining, all-encompassing, life-fulfilling human. What a bloody miracle. Every day s/he grows and develops is another day you've absolutely nailed it.

Holly

NB. One book and app I have to recommend is 'The Wonder Weeks'. Click here to find out more. It might just save your sanity- no parenting advice as such and again no definitive answers, just a lot of 'this is a normal developmental thing' from a bunch of doctors that have studied baby behaviour and development for 35 years. Plus it's really interesting. Freya has been a text-book case of every developmental behaviour leap they outline.